Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
   I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
   Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
   I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
   Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
   Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
   I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.
   Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

I can't seem to find a job anywhere in this goddamn town...

This is one of the first times I've been able to actually sit down and peruse the internet. As someone who is used to constantly refreshing websites out of sheer boredom, its amazing at how little things change on the worldwideweb.

God, I'm depressed.

I've been pretty much nonstop busy since I've gotten back up here: renting a Uhaul and moving ALL of mine and my roommates shit down three sets of incredibly narrow staircases. I was carrying the bottom half of a queen size box spring down the stairs, when my grip slipped and the plastic corner ripped through my still healing tattoo, creating a gash that wouldn't stop gushing for around 10 minutes. Right through my fucking tattoo. Completely cut the damn thing in half. Horrible. Throughout the day it was bruise after contusion after clipped heel after stubbed toe.
I'm so fucking sore.

I've been getting really not-so-awesome vibes from the new place I'm moving into, not to mention, I didn't realize how far from everything this place is. I know its totally babyish of me, especially considering I already signed the 1 year lease and there's nothing I can do, but I kinda want to find someplace else. I found a really nice studio apt thats actually cheaper than the place I'm moving into and sharing a porch with a close friend. Not to mention its right off the plaza, less than a 10 minute walk from all the stores and like 15 minutes from school. I brought this up to my parents and they went goddamn apeshit on me. I got one of the biggest lectures of my adult life: "as someone who should be thinking about and planning for the REST OF MY LIFE, I need to be more responsible. I signed a contract, and now, as a result I must pay for it. I talk tough and act like I'm a hotshot who knows what he's doing but really, I'm just a little 21 year old who has no ideas and no plan and the sooner I realize this and stop pretending otherwise, the better I'll be. Now, stop having fun, stop enjoying yourself, and get a fucking job."

Even though I could have had everything under control and found someone to take over my lease with no stress and no worry, my parents refused to sign the cosign form. Told me if they found out I applied without them and paid the 10 dollar app fee, they'd cut me off because I need to start "seeing things through."

Yep. Nothing raises the old self-esteem like a conversation with the parentals.

Since then, its been nonstop debauchery. Like, I said, after 3 nights of heavy partying and a bonfire on the beach, this is my first time sitting. I'm impressed that I've been able to go this long. I would like nothing more than a nap but my bed isn't set up yet. I'm postponing the inevitable "settle-in" stage. I just don't want to do it. But I guess it has to happen anyways so might as well do it sooner rather than later.

I've been hanging out with Roy and all of his friends. The people he hangs out with I'm hanging out with Molly. It's been okay. I don't really fit in with them though. They're all about drinking and smoking alot. and talking about sports. All things I'm not really into. Don't get me wrong, I like to party, but mostly in moderation, and not just for the sake of doing it. These guys get fucked up because they can. I dunno. Theres not many other people up here for me to hang out with. I went through my phone looking for people to call and I found 5 people who were up here. 2 of whom were already with me. And the other 3 people I didn't actually feel like hanging out with.

I miss Hollister and the sun and heat and all of my friends there. I don't think I can do this much longer. The real reason why I think I stayed at this school for this long is Molly. I want to come home but running away won't solve anything.

Molly called last night and we talked for almost an hour, which was awesome. I tried to let her do all the talking, let her vent and describe her adventures. She's doing really well, enjoying herself for the most part. She misses home and she misses me. It was really good to hear from her. Something I needed. I miss her alot. I think that may be where all of these bad feelings are coming from. From not having her around. I thought this summer would be awesome because I would able to do all the things I couldn't do when she was around: but the truth is, while I'm doing all of those things, all I'm thinking about is how much I want to be with her.

I'm realizing more and more that she really is my favorite person.

I would like to say that I have full intentions of starting this thing up again, but whether or not this will become a reality remains unseen. Only time will tell, I guess. So, I'm sitting here at the dining room table at my parents house, typing in between covert sneaks into the kitchen, refilling my long hooked finger with fresh cookie dough every time. You'd think my mother would know better than to remove the fresh dough from her supervision while I'm around, especially since the result is, more often than not, a good dozen cookies less than she initially planned for. Oh well. What can I say? I like things that are yummy.

Which I believe is most likely the reason I'm having my first cavity filled tomorrow. I get stoned and I eat those wonderful little gummy worms and then I fall asleep without having brushed my teeth. I've been doing better though lately. Proper hygiene and sharp looks are a must, I've grown lazy. The comfort of routine will do that to you. Having a significant other who loves you for you is horribly detrimental to physical appearances. Why bother to impress anyone if the one person you would need to impress will like you regardless?

Molly should become more superficial. Ha.

Keeping up with this is going to be a task, after that semester of depression, I've gotten pretty sick of whining and talking about myself and all the drama in my life. Looking back at all 220 entries into this thing has been a trip.
Bitch and moan.Bitch and moan.

Many, I was whiny as fuck. And the funny thing is, despite all of my insecurities and problems, I've grown up (quite a bit) and everything has been fine.

I talked to Haley for a little bit earlier this year and then realized that I was just stirring a big ugly stick in a pool of crystalline water, at the bottom of which, the murky sediments had just settled down completely. What the hell was the point? Why bring myself up and down in that perpetual roller coaster of "love lost?" (psh, lust really) I went from being a hopeless romantic to just plain hopeless and I am sooo over that shit.

All the lovers, lusters, homewreckers now merely clever anecdotes in the great novel that will someday become my life. Speaking of which, "the great screenplay" is gone. Bye bye. No copy of it is in existence. 50+ pages baleted from the world. All I can find are tiny segments, copied into lj months and months ago. Here's one in fact:

I had my last final today now its time to pack.

It's been one helluva semester.

I'll be home from Saturday until Tuesday night.

If you want to see me, be sure to reserve me.

More blogs over the summer.

Jamie- We're seeing Hot Fuzz.

A Zombie plague would make life so much more interesting.

Hollister isnt always the suck.


Monterey for dinner and then off to a party of Kings Kup and Jackass 2 with a bunch of people from high school i would have never ever considered getting drunk with back in the day.

Sleepy time now.

Taking shots with your grandmother at the family christmas party.

I'm sitting here, with all the cousins and uncles and aunts and old people downstairs, and I must say, I'm buzzing quite nicely.

Grandma Doodie (nickname, dont ask) decided to bartend and make everyone drinks called Hot Apple Pie. Warm Cider and some italian liquour I've never heard of (80 proooof.) Mine was double strength. And then I had another.

Gods bless the Holidays.
And the time we share with those we love.

Some craaazy shit's about to happen.

..is the Me First and The Gimme Gimmes concert in Santa Cruz.

And I dont know why I'm not there.

I still kinda feel like shit, but its better now.

I'm in a horrible horrible mood right now.

I have a sinus infection that WILL NOT go away. No matter how many drugs I take.

I'm congested beyond belief.

I constantly have this dull pain right behind my eyes that prevents me from thinking too deeply. And the baggage under my eyes mirror the way they feel.

I cant fucking taste anything and for the past several nights my mother has sadistically made some of my favorite dishes.

PLus, My hair looks like shit and its to the point where I just want to fucking cut it all off.

UGH!!

Some one just kill me now...

Why is it that I would just as soon look at my 15 year old sister as rat her out for all the stupid shit she does?

I swear, she's ballsier than I ever was. And I dont mean that in a good way.

She's had her tongue pierced since she was 14, she's sexually active. Smoked pot, gotten drunk and done coke all before I got my first blowjob.

And yet, she's able to have boys in the house when my parents are gone under the pretense that they're "doing homework."

I was 17 years old and I still couldn't find a quiet place to have sex with my girlfriend.

The  only times we did it in my house were when my parents were at the store, or my mom was at a girl scout meeting or what have you. Never did I have their blessing. (not that Samantha does either, but its pretty fucking close.)

And the funny thing is, she's supposed to be grounded for failing 2 of her classes.

it just annoys the shit out of me that my parents were so strict with me, yet so apathetically leniant with her.

...fuckin' aye.

-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.
-I must not become addicted to World of Warcraft.

I just designed my class schedule for next semester. If I can get all the classes I want, I will be taking 18 units at very opportune times so as to allow me to find a job as well.

Now all I need is a place to live and I'm golden.

Liz- Take Creative Writing: Nonfiction with me, yeah?

I got fired from my job yesterday.

A drug dealing sonuvabitch apparently decided that he deserved it more than I did and sabotaged me. He was hired to be my replacement when I left for Humboldt in January.

When he wasn't complaining about not having enough hours, he would constantly ask me if I needed help doing my managerial duties so he, in turn, could learn them as well. Of course, I said no, because I take pride in my work and didn’t want some n00b mucking it all up.

I came into work on Monday and the n00b (or Corey, if you prefer) asked me if I had any pot on me. When I answered negatively, he asked me if I wanted some. I asked him if he dealt, and while shaking his head no, he winked and smiled. I told him, after a pause, that I'd keep that in mind and walked away. Later that evening, I was around the side of the store, hidden from view, with one of my friends, when Corey exits my store and approaches a car that had just pulled into the parking lot.

The driver rolls down his window and does one of those thug handshakes with Corey. Corey now has something in his hand and places it promptly in his pocket. In the same, clearly rehearsed motion, he pulls a plastic baggy out and drops in the driver’s car. “Was that a drug deal?” my friend asks, astonished.

The driver glances around quickly and then drives away. Corey heads back into the store quickly. “Holy shit, I think it was,” I responded. The EB Games in Morgan Hill’s customer base is mostly little kids between 8 and 14. There was no way I was going to let this continue. I immediately called my store manager to inform her of what had transpired.

She said she’d deal with it and that was that.

The next day, Tuesday, I was working with Corey when a package came directly from Nintendo. Knowing it contained S.W.A.G. (Stuff We All Get; free merchandise sent directly from the distributors for employees) I opened the package. Inside were two free Nintendo DS games, Yoshi’s Island DS and Elite Beat Agents.

N00b sees the games and persistently asks for one, even though he doesn’t have a DS. A hesitate for a moment and give it to him. After all, Leslie, the store manager, doesn’t even play videogames. She would have given them to us anyways. Since she had the next three days off, I make a mental note to tell her when she got back that we took them; and place Yoshi’s Island in my pocket.

After I leave, Corey is conveniently “overcome by guilt” and calls up my boss, telling her that I told him to take the game and that he thought it was “wrong.” He wanted to “make sure that it was okay” before leaving the store with it. He left the game with our Senior Game Advisor. The manager right below me.

Wednesday morning, Leslie asks me if anything came for her in the mail because she was expecting some stuff. She said a Wiimote and some games were coming for her. Thinking that she was referring to Wii games, the DS ones never even came to mind. I didn’t make the connection. I told her that they didn’t. Apparently immediately afterwards, she called our District Manager, Bambi (like the deer, and no she’s NOT a stripper) and informed her of the situation.

This was her mistake, and where I become incredibly resentful. Rather than directly approaching me about the subject and keep the matter in our store, she decided so vaguely and very fucking briefly mention something and then go to her boss.

Needless to say the situation was out of control. The higher-ups now had their hands in and there was nothing I could have done.

Also on Wednesday, when I saw Corey; I told him I needed him to bring the game back in to the store. He said he had it at home and would bring it in on Thursday.

I come into work on Thursday and see Bambi standing there along with Corey. Thinking that Corey was just there to bring the game, no red flags were raised. It wasn’t until Bambi called me into the stockroom and sat me down, that I realized something wasn’t kosher. She informed me that I was being terminated for theft. And even though she knew, there were no problems with me taking the game, that I would have been able to have it anyways. Company policy was company policy and her hands were tied.

“I am so sorry, Anthony,” she said as her eyes began to tear up. She gave me a big hug and said that I was an amazing Assistant Manager and that everyone knew it. That I had made a small mistake, like everyone does, herself included, but it just so happened to have cost me my job. She gave me her personal cell phone number and said if I needed help finding another job, she would pull all of her weight to do what she can. (And she’s a pretty large woman.)

She told me Corey would be taking my position.

As I leave the store, hurt and angry, I look at the fucking n00b, for the first time, he’s wearing a nice professional shirt, tucked in, his hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail and his scruffy goatee is gone. He looks business-like in everyway whereas normally he looks like a gangsta, long unkempt shirt, baggy pants and bling-blang to boot.

I find out later that when Bambi approached him in regards to his drug cartel, he vehemently denied everything, threatening to sue me for slander. Apparently that was good enough for her and it was dropped.

What a series of fortunate events for dear, dear Corey. One moment he’s on his knees begging and pleading for extra hours and in one fell swoop and dynamic plot twist, he’s working 40 hours a week and making nearly twice minimum wage.

Now you’re all probably asking yourselves why Anthony isn’t throwing a huge fit and plotting ways to take down all involved parties (because if I wanted to, with literally, less than a paragraph I could have everyone in that store fired.) The reason for this is simple: I know for a fact that they just made the biggest mistake possible. They got rid of the person was, for all intents and purposes, running the store right before the busiest time of the year.

I was hired to go into that store and fix it; to bring the numbers and the stats up, to restore order to a place of pure chaos. (It may sound like I’m being more than slightly conceited, but I swear to you, I’m not.) It’s been confirmed that the manager is going to be fired sooner rather than later for total incompetence. I was doing her job AND mine.

The stores get ranked based on performance and the number of reserves and Game Informer subscriptions we got on a daily basis. If my store had gotten 7 reserves and 5 subs; 6 and 3 of them were mine. I didn’t win the top Assistant Manager in the Region (out of 145 stores) award for nothing.

There was a week where, just to prove to myself who was really in charge, I stopped caring about our numbers. We sank from rank 30 to 144. (Again, out of 145 stores.)

So now, smirking, I sit back and chuckle with sadistic glee. Knowing that that store is going to spend Christmas and Black Friday with five new hires, an untrained ASM and an incompetent Store Manager is revenge enough for me.

Besides having my Wii and Zelda on preorder and friends in other stores willing to give me their employee discount whenever I wish, once I go in and pull all of my various reserves on games and such I get to watch their rank plummet into the ground faster than Bush’s popularity and the Republicans’ control over the House and Senate.

What more could a simple guy like myself need?

-Anthony out.

I missed you, lj.

:(

I hate that whenever I'm within a 20 foot radius my parents feel the obligation to nag the shit out of me. Don't they understand that there are times, especially when a person is ill, when they dont want to be spoken to or bothered?

Here I am, sick as a dog, sitting at home trying to take this stupid online traffic school course when I'd much rather be at work, not only making money but for the most part enjoying myself in the process and my parents cant seem to leave me alone long enough to even string together one complete sentence.

January will not come soon enough.

I'm sick the day before Halloween. And that really blows.

Mood Shots: ugh
LizardQueen453: ?
Mood Shots: im uber pissed right now
LizardQueen453: pour quoi?
Mood Shots: well, last night at work, i was doing my job as per usual
Mood Shots: and i decided that the backwall where we store all of our games needed to be redone
Mood Shots: now, this is a HUGE fucking task
Mood Shots: i started it, got over halfway done and then i had to clock out
Mood Shots: derek, the third manager (the one right below me)
Mood Shots: was there and i showed him what was up
Mood Shots: and he said just to leave it and he'd do it tomorrow
Mood Shots: i called leslie, my boss, to tell her what to expect of the store when she came in the next day
Mood Shots: she didnt answer her phone
Mood Shots: i called her 5 times
Mood Shots: and left a rather lengthy voice message
Mood Shots: she called me today, incredibly angry
Mood Shots: because Bambi, our district manager, was touring with another dm
Mood Shots: like i knew this
Mood Shots: and then she starts bitching about how the playstation 3 wall isnt done being built
Mood Shots: even though, i did the entire Wii section.
Mood Shots: and ps3 was her responsibility
Mood Shots: and i have the next two days off
Mood Shots: i think its bullshit that she's upset
Mood Shots: because these past two days, we've constantly been on edge about the bigwigs
LizardQueen453: is she just bitching or are you in trouble?
Mood Shots: and she was off
Mood Shots: i think i might be in troubl
Mood Shots: e
Mood Shots: if leslie gets yelled at, ill get yelled at
LizardQueen453: hm
Mood Shots: and bambi is a neat freak
Mood Shots: she'll be in around 4
Mood Shots: thus leaving leslie with only 3 more hours to make the store spotless
Mood Shots: and do all of her own work
Mood Shots: im sooo not going in there today to help her
Mood Shots: fuck it.
LizardQueen453: fuck it.
Mood Shots: ill take responsiblity for the back wall, even though derek was going to finish it when he came in at 130
Mood Shots: i will NOT take responsibility for the rest of the fucking mess
Mood Shots: i shouldnt be dealing with this much stress on my day off
LizardQueen453: take a deep breath
LizardQueen453: and forget it
LizardQueen453: dont worry about it until later
LizardQueen453: you'er not going to lose your job
LizardQueen453: so w/e
Mood Shots: and even if i do
Mood Shots: would it really be that big of a deal at this point?
LizardQueen453: no
LizardQueen453: so w/e
LizardQueen453: don't worry about it
Mood Shots: i'll still be getting the employee discount for everything i want
Mood Shots: and i have a wii on reserve
Mood Shots: godddamn it. i dont know why i care so much about that place
Mood Shots: its ridiculous
LizardQueen453: because that's what is the center of your life right now
Mood Shots: yeah, but i wish it wasnt
Mood Shots: i wish something that really mattered in the long run was
LizardQueen453: thats the way the cards fell
Mood Shots: like school.
Mood Shots: or boobies
LizardQueen453: lol

This is the last weekend of Faire.


God, I'm not ready for this to be over.

I was told today that in the transition from boy to Man i was comprable to a graduate student writing his thesis.

what the hell does that mean?! And how do I make sure I pass?

I really really do. So I'm thinking that another tat and another piercing are in order before the end of the year. 6 and 2 sounds so much better than 5 and 1.

I'm thinking tongue again.

Except this time with a smaller barbell so it wont get in the way.

I almost drove to Sonoma today. I don't why, I just felt like it would have been a good idea. Although like usual on this front, I probably would have been wrong.

I've been working on getting my life back in order. As silly as it seems, I really have let myself go quite a bit since I got coerced into moving down here. I've been doing 100 crunches a night and plan on upping the ante to 200 next week. I rebuzzed my head, and shaved my beard off. Though now I dont look like Lincoln Burrows anymore. :( My sideburns are back and the soul patch is avenging the death of Tony Almeida with a vigor not seen in a hundred moons.

Get the physical stuff out of the way and the emotional will follow suite, right?

I need to get back to cleaning the disaster zone formally known as my room so I can go see Little Miss Sunshine with Jaime. And writing my response to Haley. Oh man, is it a doozy.

Unpleasant memories may be holding you back. Luckily, today you're able to find a way to let go of these relics and keep them in the past, where they can't affect you anymore. A new person on the scene can inspire you to see things in a novel way and move on. Suddenly the old wounds you were nursing don't hurt so badly anymore. You're thinking positively about a new relationship, probably because it's preparing you for a brighter future.

I'm so tired of getting shafted.

(not literally, you damn perverts.)

As of this very moment, I'm not moving in with my Grandfather. What he needs at this point is a babysitter, and a babysitter I am not. I can't be there every second to get him his walker or a cold glass of water. Because I work fulltime. Because I need to pay for my car. Which I didnt even want to get. Because I was promised his. But he is being stubborn and refuses to give up his freedom. Even though he physically cannot drive.

Yeah, I'm upset and I know I just used alot of crappy fragment sentences.

So upset infact, I have decided to get as far away from this mess as I can, as soon as I can. Yes, Lords and Ladies, I will be up in Humboldt in January.

I have to get to work, but there will be more of an update later....maybe.

Oh yeah, dont forget to come to the Rennassiance Faire, everyweekend until October 16th. At Casa De Fruita. I can get discount tickets, all you need to do is ask.

In other news..."3" is reaching completion.

I'll be at faire in less than 8 hours.

:D